funny Poetry | Graytoon's


Funny Poems

Off the shelf into the trolley
Pushed between the carrots and cauli
On the belt and codes to swipe
Next to bananas all over ripe

Push in the bag , throw in the boot
Next to the veg and all the fruit
Thrown in the ice box , squashed to hell
How long in here , no one can tell

Pull for the depths and chopped for the pot
Tossed in the pan , water all hot
Boiled to depth , drained and dressed
Put on a plate with all the rest

Sliced yet again and shoved in a mouth
Crashed by the teeth then swallowed down south
Attacked by bacteria, acid as well
Grounded to a pulp, then a journey from hell

Hours go by as I wind round the pipe
Rumbling noises as I give him the gripe
Forced through a gap, nearly airtight
Ending my life as a stick of brown shite !!

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013

I staggered down the road looking for skirt
I’ve had my drink now time for dessert
Bouncing off walls, falling about
Eyes going funny about to conk out

I get to the door and fall flat on my face
Staggering around all over the place
The velvet seats and the strange décor
I sat myself down waiting for whore

The man at the desk said “what do you want?”
I looked at him trying to be nonchalant
My eyes were rolling, I couldn’t sit still
My body was moving of its own freewill

“I want a woman get them on display”
“ But sir, you’re in the Bengal Indian Takeaway.”

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013

Old Billy and Skip his buddy mate
Being apart is something they hate
They walk everywhere, together they went
In the relationship they were very content

They would go to the woods , walking for miles
Sitting for a while on the cutters woodpiles
Then they’d go to the local for a refreshing drink
Where his little terrier would have his warm milk

Then came the day that changed their routine
There was a sign on the pub door they had never seen
‘No dogs allowed’ were the words on the board
So they couldn’t go into the pub they adored

With sadness and gloom they carried on past
The drink in there yesterday, that was their last
Bobby was out walking , taking the air
When he found out Bills plight he was in despair

“I know” he said “pretend your are blind”
And entrance to the pub will not be declined
With a smile on his face Bill lengthened his stride
Went to the pub and explained this dog was his guide

“Don’t give me that” said the man at the bar door
They are usually big dogs liked a Golden Labrador.”
Bill stood amazed, as he pretended not to see
“Well what bloody dog have they given me?”

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013

“Now class the lesson today, is word relate
Give me a sentence which includes fascinate “
Mary held her hand up , and duly stated
“I read a book on Brazil and I was fascinated “

the teacher said no and repeated to state
“Give me a sentence which includes fascinate”
Alice was there she had a high class rating
“I study the stars and they are fascinating”

the teacher said no and repeated to state
“Give me a sentence which includes fascinate”
hands on her head , Tommy just couldn’t wait
she stood in the classroom awaiting her fate

“My Aunt has a cardy with ten button holes , and she’s irate !
Cos her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight”

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013
It was through a friend I found a date
I decided yes after a great debate
We arranged to meet by the station clock
I hoped she was ok , and I wasn’t in for a shock

At 7:45 I was standing with my flowers
It was only minutes but it seemed like hours
Then out of the crowd came a woman in white
At first I thought she looked alright

She came up to me and we said hello
I’d booked a table at a nice bistro
As we walked along her arm in mine
Taking in the view of the nice coastline

After a while she started to cough
Then she fell over and her leg fell off
Being concerned with much alarm
I reached down to help and pulled off her arm

I stood transfixed as she lay on the ground
Hoping shortly I would be homeward bound
I lent down again , my thoughts in doubt
Tried to help her up and false tits fell out

As they rolled down the bank , I was in dismay
Her body parts were in disarray
My blind date , I started to regret
As she lay there crying , all upset
“don’t you want sex “? I thought what a deflator
“throw it over here and I’ll shag it later “

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013

When I think back at the way that we live
We had next to nothing, nothing to give
Sunday was bath night, ready for school
Tin bath to the ready, mam on a stool
Scrubbed till it hurt, shiny and clean
Hair washed with that shampoo Voseen
One pair of shoes to wear for the day
Same pair of shoes for going out to play
Bread and dripping to keep hunger at bay
Set meals on the table on every weekday
A wardrobe so small it would fit in a box
two pairs of undies and two pairs of socks.
One pair of trousers, two shirts nylon made
And a woolly jumper, hand knitted homemade
School dinners paid for, you couldn’t afford
Holidays at seaside, nothing aboard
TV’S were massive fourteen inch wide
Only two channels, BBC and ITV on the side
Four jacks for a penny, and sherbet dips
The sweet sticky flavour stuck to your lips
Sweets were a treat maybe once a week
You knew when to be quiet and when to speak
We walked everywhere no money to bus
Walking along without any fuss
Table manners were there and there to be kept
Any food put in front of you, you have to accept
“Please may I leave the table “was always said
If you didn’t eat you meal it was straight off to bed
We never knew what the word “grounded “meant.
But we knew if naughty to the bedroom we went
If a copper caught you and you were up to no good
A clip round the earhole was the norm, understood
Six of the best for the same thing at school
Then stood in the corner to look like a fool
We never asked for, there was nothing to give
All we have was used just to live
Wednesday was favourite, my mother’s home pie
Sat back after with a stomach full sigh
A bedroom for three, brother, sister and me
Toilet outside if you needed a wee
No central heating frost on the inside
Under the blankets we’d snuggle and hide.
In the morning the bedroom was like ice
No hanging around dressed in a trice
Porridge to warm you, mittens on string
Balaclava to beat off the cold winter sting.
Entertainment was to go out and play
Sometimes be lost for the rest of the day
Mother didn’t worry ,out from under her feet
Spending all day out in the street
People were friendly “good morning to you “
Everyone knew you and you knew them to
Shopping was queuing at each different shop
Sometimes we were lucky and sucked a Pear Drop
Darned socks were mended, patches in knee
You couldn’t afford new and mending was free
Nothing was wasted, everything used
The simplest things kept us amused
Mondays were wash days, Automatics didn’t exist
Kitchen covered in a steamy mist
Wringers turned to squeeze out the wet
Mother wiping the forehead sweat
Trains that belched out puffs of steam
Hanging in the air like a full whipped cream
Days at the seaside, bucket and spade
Egg & tomato sarnies your mother made
Woollen bathers that sagged wet through
Your arse on show for the world to view
I sometimes pondered would i relive
When I think back at the way that we live
2. Mar, 2016

My net on bamboo, my jar on a String
At the boating lake in early spring
Watching the stickleback watching its track
Poised at the lake edge ready to attack
The model yacht’s sailing, catching the wind
Across the ripples the yacht’s they skimmed
The wooden boats, dads struggling with oars
The lake beside the Tynemouth shores
Hunting the rock pools for limpet and crab
Using your stick to give them a jab
Watching for bloodsuckers and slippery seaweed
Mapping our steps before you proceed
Forgetting the tide getting caught on the rocks
Seeing your pathway that the water blocks
Climbing cliffs getting rest on a ledge
Little daredevils living life on the edge
Sneaking into the Prior, past the armed Guard
Playing at soldiers a massive bombard
Walking down the pier for no reason at all
Standing on tiptoes looking over the curved wall
Rocking penny shove machines in the amusement arcade
Running off with the pennies we made
Cheeking the parkie in Northumberland Park
Then running off just for a lack
Making bows and arrows out of Bamboo and string
Hit by an arrow did half f**king sting
Climbing trees, making camps in the woods
Nothing but play, no worldly goods
No sense of time just a time full of glee
Getting told off, late for me tea

Back into the chair he gently reclined
The dentist stretching, the Light was aligned
“Have you had Oral Sex”, not trying to be uncouth
“Why “said the man “Have I a Pubic Hair caught in Tooth “
The Dentist shuffled, his posture to compose
“No Dear Sir you have Sh*t up your nose “

The Girls

The Brothel was quiet in the early morn
Only a few hours til the rise of dawn
‘I’ve been 15 times up and down those stairs
Keeping the customer happy, selling my wares’
‘Oh my God all those clients to meet
And the wear and tear on your poor feet’.
Billy and Dot were getting old
It was getting harder the memory to hold
The doctor said you two are in good nick
But I can tell your memory is not so slick

Write things down so that you don’t forget
And then things to do will all be met
They sat watching TV Dot turned from the screen
“Any chance for some nice vanilla ice cream”

Billy got up and made his way to the Door
“Don’t you think you write it down to remember this chore”
“I’ll remember “he said “Vanilla Ice cream”
“And a few strawberries would be just a dream “

“Ice cream and Strawberries, no need to write down no need to ask”
“I can remember it all to fulfil this task”
“And some whipped cream on top to complete”
“That would be such a wonderful treat”

“Now write this down so remember it all”
“Don’t worry if I forget I’ll give you a call”
Billy set off slowly with his weary legs
And came twenty minutes later with Bacon and eggs

He stood there with a smile he didn’t like to boast
But all Dot could say was “ And where is my toast”
She went to the sex shop to have a browse
Looking for something that might just arouse
She looked at the size and couldn’t decide
Imagining her husbands as a go by guide

This one will do me six inches in size
She look confused at the Assistants eyes
What’s your problem why such a face
It’s not six inches but four in this case

The woman was shocked, my god were her cries
All these f**king years he has been telling me lies

When is the Present I know the future and the past.
How long would you say does the present Last.
I think it is now but that’s a moment ago
Is it still here or gone I’m not sure I know
If it’s now, then that now has gone
So it’s now the past, completely forgone
If it’s now gone, then that’s the past.
If it’s to come then that’s a forecast
I’m here now, just a moment ago
If I’m here now where does now go.
If I live in the past I’m out of touch
If I live for the future I yearn too much
If I live for the present I’m in a conscious state
But where has it gone, is my awareness late
They do say that the “The Moment has passed “
Does present exist , it just goes so fast
“For The Moment “when things are unclear
That Moment has it gone or is it still here
“Not a Moment to spare” there it goes
Spare the moment, future propose
And then there is “The Big Moment has arrived “
The moment has now passed , I think we’re deprived
“There is No time like the present “I here you say
But that’s “all in the past “and there to stay
So I reckon I’m not in the present, nor the past
I’m not in the future, I’m just an outcast
“Now that you’re ready, how longer will you be “
sitting with patience on the lounge settee
oh, what joy, we are going into Town
so, the wife can pick up an evening dress gown

“I’m ready now “was the cry from the top of the stairs
how is it so long to decide what she wears?
“come on then you, instead of sitting down “
“it’ll be murder, getting a parking space in town”

the traffic is heavy the parking slots gone
drove everywhere and cannot find one
one hour has passed, and the cars now parked up
its only half past ten and I’m ready for a sup

“let’s try M & S they have nice things “
“and if we don’t find something there we’ll go into Binns”
“this one looks nice I might try it on “
this sounds very good it hasn’t been long

“what do you think, do you think I look fat “
I better be nice, or she might smell a rat
“No Dear it suits you it makes you look great “
“I’d be proud to take you out in that on a date”

“just GREAT you say, is that all it is “
“I’m looking for something that does the whole biz”
“let’s try in here and wipe that look off your face “
“oh, this looks nice, all covered with lace “

box clever now “you look gorgeous my dear “
its eleven o’clock and time for a beer
“I’m not sure though it doesn’t look right “
“and look at my backside, sticking out, a sight “

“how about this one it looks nice “
“that’s right misery pick something half price”
“oh no, it no good let’s go to BHS
“they’ll have some there, that I know will impress”

“there’s nothing here, there’s nothing to wear “
“wipe that smile off your face, you don’t even care “
“of course, I do woman that’s why we are here “
“let’s go to the Lion and have a cold beer”

“that’s all you think of a beer and a smoke “
“when a come in my next life I’m coming as a bloke”
“let’s try here next and see what we can find “
“a beer after this if you don’t mind “

“this looks right, I’m off for a try “
much more of this I think I might die
“this is no good it makes me look big “
“ok dear you get changed, I’m off for a cig”

standing outside, just look at it all
men of all sizes propped against wall
bags of shopping down by their side
trying to look interested at the shopping mall guide

“ok then we’ll go for a beer “
“you can buy me lunch, they do nice salads in here “
“I want to go home now “I said with a dare
“we cannot go yet I have nothing to wear”

four more shops, my weary legs have went to
much more of this I’ll wear a hole in my shoe
“will you stop moaning and give me a chance”
“lets back to M & S for another quick glance “

“the more that I look it the more that I see “
“what do you think, do you think its me “
“oh yes dear yes you look elegant, just like a swan “
and would you believe it’s the first she tried on

My 1st Mobile Phone
If I could reconcile
The friendship with my first mobile
Nine inches long three pound in weight
My chunky mobile trusted mate
It charged all night it took that long
The time to use to prolong
It lasted an hour, an hour at best
But its technology and one had to keep abreast
An antenna to pull to increase the range
To some obscure BT exchange
The connection was lost more times than gained
Regardless which direction the antenna was aimed
The menu was basic you couldn’t text
It certainly wasn’t what you would called perplexed
The memory was there, five numbers where held
Hands free wasn’t there only handheld
Internet connection, what was that
Its only function was to have a chat
One choice of ring tone, no catchy tune
All I can say at the time opportune
No Sim card, no memory, in fact f**k all
It fact it was hard to find someone to call

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013

Oh dear me what have I done
I’ve burnt one side lying in the Sun
Let’s hope tomorrow is a sunny day
So on my other side I can lay

What will they think when I go to the game
If both my sides are not the same
What makes it worse being a Toon Fan?
I’ll be kicked to f**k for my red and white tan

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013
Cruising – A Day at Sea

A day at sea as Sun rises high
As I look up and see the beautiful blue sky
A buffet breakfast probably the finest you’ve seen
Back to the cabin for the sunlight cream
A quiet spot on the open deck chair.
Taking in the fresh sea air
The Sun’s not reached the Yard Arm, but do we care
Beckon the waiter, he’s just over there
Cocktails are ordered and returned in quick time
Nicely presented with the glass holding Lime.
Laid back and relaxed, enjoying the rest
Looking at people and the way there are dressed.
A salad lunch, around the pool
Supping a cocktail refreshing and cool.
Sunbathing over, now Afternoon Tea
The sight of the cakes, eyes open in glee
A rest and a bath, ready for tonight
Another evening of dining delight,
A show and a walk and few more drinks
A smile on your face as the glass clinks.
I don’t know about you but I’m getting an attack
I think I’ll go and have a midnight snack

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013

Do others see the world like me
An undesirable corked Chablis
People so far up their own backside
A sort of person I cannot abide

Treating people with contempt
Politeness they could not attempt
Open the door not so much as a thank
They pass you with their faces a blank

Talking away with all the buzz words
I can think of one word a bunch of Nerds

“Ok yeah, I’ll touch base with you “
Wanting to put forward their point of view

“I like to Bring to the table” a big curator
But just standing there like a dummy waiter

“At the end of the day”, what does that mean
Absolutely ridiculous, verbal Latrine

“Push the envelope” please help me God
They need to be put in front of a firing sqaud

“Peel back the onion”, “shoot an email to me”
Utter rubbish, I think we agree

“Functional training” , “think outside the box”
People with heads that resemble limp c**ks

“Moving Forward “, “A clear Goal”
Spoken like a truly bigoted Ar**hole

There are hundreds of these, it worries me so
All said by those that think they are in the know
They need to take a “step back” and “close the loop”
Check the “information highway” or “jump through the hoop”

Years ago a spade was a spade
People talked without a buzzword aid
And wouldn’t you know they could be more “Aligned “
With “Fulfilment Issues” to “Bear in Mind”

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013
At the end of the day to sit just here
Drinking a pint glass of fine beer
The sides aren’t touched, down it goes
Another one I would not oppose

The life we see thorough this beery mist
Drinking more is hard to resist
It helps people to bed a mate
It changes people’s destiny and fate

It bring joy and it brings sorrow
It brings regret in the tomorrow
It takes away or inhibitions
It fuels or thoughts and ambitions

Nothing is impossible, easy to do
Downside I reckon is trips to the loo

I don’t think is the beer that gives you a head
I always feel great when I climb into bed.
In the morning I feel my mouth has been Clad
I reckon it’s the sleeping that makes you feel bad

So I had this theory stay up all night
And in the morning you will feel alright

Copyright © Graeme Taylor 2013
Life seemed much calmer when I was young
Long before even Zebedee had strung
The Flower Pot Men with Little Weed
The Woodentops, Spotty the Dog the best we agreed

Andy Pandy with friends Teddy bear and Looby Loo
And of course there was also Picture Book to
Quick Draw MCgraw so quick on the Draw
With Baba Looey at his side to keep the Law
“Now hoooooold on thar, Baba Looey” MCGraw would shout
Baba Looey in the end would sort it all out

And who could forget Huckleberry Hound
“My Darling Clementine” what a wonderful Sound
Pixie and Dixie and Mr Jinks the Cat
Bo Bo Bear and Yogi Bear with his Trilby type hat

Popeye the Sailor Olive Oyl and Bluto the brute
String Ray and Thunderbirds in rescues pursuit
The Lone Ranger, Robin Hood and William Tell
Torchy the Battery Boy and Twizzle as well

Space Patrol, Tin Tin and Felix the Cat
And Dennis the Menace the little brat
Four Feather Falls his guns never clutched
They would swivel and fire without being touched

Fate gave us the indestructible Captain Scarlet
Who kept at bay the Mysterons threat
Bugs Bunny and Tweetie Pie and all of the rest
But who could beat Crackerjack was the best

All of this watched on a small black and white TV
You had to get close in order to see
The worse thing that happen and I’m sure you’d agreed
Was two shillings in the Slot in order to see

At a certain age reading this, making your way down the list
I’m sure you will inform me of the ones that I’ve missed

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